


kwamis find such fascinating ways to waste their time

by espurr_roba



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Gen, also slightly crack, and i'm not saying that ladynoir should take a backseat to that, but it's also fluff so it's okay, but that's exactly what i'm saying, look i'm not saying that we need any sort of plakki shenanigans
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-24
Updated: 2016-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-22 22:43:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6096326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/espurr_roba/pseuds/espurr_roba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With their chosens tied up in a janitor's closet completely depowered, Plagg and Tikki need to go out and find the foods they need to recharge. And somehow, they just keep getting sidetracked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Tied Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DID SOMEBODY CALL FOR SOME PLAKKI??
> 
> ...n-no? Well, still. Stuff your faceholes with this 1.8k words of goodness.

“Well, looks like our hands are _tied_ here, huh, Bugaboo?”

“Chat, no.”

“Sorry.”

Given the fact that they sat back to back with their hands _literally_ tied together by some nefariously brilliant knotsmanship binding them to a pipe in a janitor’s closet with the Akuma victim off probably doing the same to some poor souls as they spoke, all while the two of them had already used their Lucky Charm _and_ Cataclysm and their miraculous were quickly losing more of their spots/paws, with the only legitimate way out of this being for them to reveal their identities to each other if they could even hope to get out of this jam…

Ladybug felt she deserved the right not to have to deal with Chat Noir’s puns right now.

She kept pulling her wrists against the rope, as if she had actually made any progress for the last three minutes, which she had definitely _not_ . She’d be damned if such a major reveal would be initiated by some goddamn _rope._

Chat gave absolutely no indication of any effort to free himself, which did nothing to alleviate Ladybug’s frustration, and it definitely didn't help to hear the twin beepings of their miraculouses that just _wouldn't stop beeping and she couldn't even see her miraculous how many beeps did hers go through already?_

“My Lady?” Chat asked tentatively, causing her to falter just a bit in her determined attempts to free herself, because hearing him actually being hesitant wasn't entirely common to her. “I’d hate to _bug_ you, but I counted four beeps.”

“That wasn't even a _pun_ ,” Ladybug muttered, still frustrated, directing it towards his puns that were sounding too forced than should be normal. Then she let the rest of his words sink in. “Four beeps, so… one spot.”

“And one paw,” Chat felt the need to add.

“We’re both about to change back,” she whispered, loud enough for Chat to hear but soft enough for the intensity of the situation to sink in for both of them.

What followed was a silence that seemed so long, but it couldn't have been, not with so little time before they were forced to switch back. Not with the seconds agonizingly ticking down before Ladybug would become Marinette and Chat Noir would become _whoever he was_ and when she found out who _whoever it was_ was _nothing would ever be the same and--_

“For what it’s worth, I won't look,” Chat said softly, piercing her thoughts like a spear.

She had to take a moment to really analyze those words, and he apparently took it as a signal to continue. “I know how much your identity means to you, and as a gentle _cat_ , I won't look unless you want me to. Besides--”

A synchronized flash of green and pink picked the perfect time to interrupt him.

Marinette squeezed her eyes shut, jutting her head as forward and as away from his direction as possible.

“...It’s not like we can really turn around to see each other if we _wanted_ to.”

She could just _hear_ that cocky grin in his voice, and somehow her eyes shut even tighter. Damn that cat, _damn_ him.

“He _is_ right,” came Tikki’s giggling voice, very _very_ close to her ear. “Your wrists look to be _very_ tightly tied, neither of you can really turn your bodies around. There really is no point in squeezing your eyes shut like this.”

It took a moment, but Marinette peeked open one eyes, and when she saw Tikki’s reassuring grin, she opened the other, actually allowing herself to relax--

“HEY LADYBUG GOT ANY CHEESE?”

Marinette practically _shrieked._

The black, floating, cat _thing_ (Kwami, it’s a _kwami,_ **_Chat’s_ ** _kwami!_ ) just pouted, like, half an inch from her face. “Man, Tikki, and here I thought you actually chose a _polite_ one this time.”

“Hush,” Tikki chided, pulling the cat kwami away from the near catatonic teen. “You know I chose M-muh, my Ladybug for a reason.”

“And that reason would be to withhold cheese from a super god like myself? Shame, Tikki, _shame._ ”

Chat gave a nervous chuckle, one so endearingly uncharacteristic (...endearingly?). “That’s, uh, Plagg. Sorry about him. He’s a real cheesehead.”

“I’ll consider that a compliment,” Plagg nodded sagely.

Tikki floated away from Marinette’s peripheral vision, over towards Chat Noir. “It’s very nice to formally meet you, Chat Noir! I’m Tikki! Plagg really did pick a perfect kitten this go around!”

“Nice to meet you, Tikki. You… know who I am?” he asked, and Marinette could detect a bit of… wariness, maybe? No, _fear._ There was a slight amount of fear in his voice, the fear that came to plight whenever someone would stumble upon the identity they had worked so hard to keep secret. She understood it all too well. Marinette couldn’t really blame him.

“I do!” Tikki affirmed with a giggle.

But Marinette _could_ blame Tikki for apparently knowing his true identity all this time and conveniently keeping her knowledge of it a secret.

“While we don’t initially know who it is that the other has chosen, we kwamis can sense each other when in close proximity,” Tikki continued with an explanation. “Whenever Ladybug has passed by your civilian form in everyday life, it’s really easy to detect Plagg with you.”

Plagg gave a noncommittal hum, floating lazily in front of Marinette. “Mm, the same is true vice versa.” And then he had the gall to _wink._ “I sensed Tikki in the first _week.”_

There was an implication there he was trying to convey, but Marinette refused to let herself think about any sort of clues as to who Chat Noir really was. “Nope, nuh-uh, not gonna even listen to your hints.”

Tikki just giggled. “That’s a shame. And Chat Noir’s civilian form is quite the looker!” She said it so nonchalantly, so playfully, so _knowingly_ , as if there _weren't_ an Akuma victim currently terrorizing half of Paris with their nefarious knots.

Seriously, Marinette was this close to revoking Tikki’s cookie dough privilege.

Speaking of which… “Tikki _, please_ , just recharge already so we can _get out of here._ ”

While she couldn't see Tikki’s expression, she _could_ see Plagg’s completely unamused one. “Kid, you’re in a _janitor’s closet._ In a _high school._ There aren't really that many cookies around. And more importantly, there’s so little _cheese!”_ He flopped onto his back, still floating in the air, and threw an arm over his forehead in the most melodramatic fake swoon of despair she had ever seen. “Oh, of _all_ the most _despair inducing things to happen!_ ”

Chat had some stiff competition for the coveted ‘Biggest Drama Queen’ award.

“Are you saying you _can't recharge_?” Chat asked.

Tikki sighed. “I’m afraid so. It looks like our only option is for us to go out and find some cookies and cheese.”

“Tikki, you can't just--that’s _dangerous_ ,” Marinette gasped. “What if the akuma catches you, we can't just--”

The kwami just floated back into view and giggled. “It’s okay! I _do_ happen to be an immortal super god, you know.”

“My words, not hers,” Plagg added, earning him a shove from said super god.

“It’s _very_ hard for someone to catch a Kwami without the respective miraculous stone to bind us to them,” Tikki continued, tapping Marinette’s earring. “So as long as that and _you_ are safe, it’ll be fine for us to go out and get some food.”

Plagg nodded, then blinked. “Wait, us?”

“Two immortal super gods _are_ better than one,” Tikki snickered.

He gave one of the most overkill sighs anyone could ever give. “And here I was thinking I could take a _break_ from rushing around.”

“Tikki,” Marinette said anxiously, pursing her lips. “I _really_ don't want you to risk yourself like this.”

The kwami blinked. “I already told you, I can't get caught without the--”

“But it’s way more than that!” Marinette interrupted frantically. “What if someone spots you, or Plagg? Tikki, what if the _akuma_ sees you and that’ll let HawkMoth know that we’re not transformed and what if they somehow follow you back and _find us?_ There’s gotta be another way, we can figure out _some other plan--_ ”

“Any other plan will just have us forced to reveal our identities,” Chat said softly, empathetically, somehow completely _calm_ why was this boy being so _calm_?

“Not to mention how you kinda can't get _out_ of the unbreakable rope without Cataclysm,” Plagg added boredly. Then he nudged Tikki, saying, “Make sure to get extra cheese while you’re out, we’ll probably need more than one round of Cataclysm.”

“While _we’re_ out.”

“Still?”

Marinette elected to ignore the kwamis' absolutely witty banter. “Chat, you’ve got to be kidding, we need to transform as soon as possible, we _can't_ just let them--”

“We can’t _do_ anything, Bugaboo,” he said, and she could hear the soft smile in his voice, why was it so soft, _why_ was it so _calm, Marinette_ wasn't being calm, why should--

...Oh. He was trying to calm her down, wasn't he? But she wasn't being that frantic, was she? Ladybug shouldn't be frantic, though. Ladybug just _wasn't_ frantic. But _Marinette…_

Ugh, no, she had to get a _grip._ She could deal with her frustrations later, once this whole akuma debacle was taken care of and she was free to go home and scream into her pillow in _peace_. Right now, Tikki staying safe took priority.

“Tikki…” Marinette said slowly, steadily. “Is there _really_ no other way?”

The red kwami just gave a sympathetic smile. “I'm afraid so. There’s really not another way for us to get the things we need to recharge.” At Marinette’s resigned frown, Tikki nuzzled her cheek in comfort. “No need to worry! We’ll be back as soon as possible, and then we’ll be able to save the day like we always do!”

Marinette forced a grin. “Yeah… You’re right, Tikki. Just be careful, alright?”

“Isn't she always?” Plagg snickered.

Tikki just gave Plagg a flat _look,_ and unlike whenever Marinette did it with Chat Noir, the kwami couldn't help the playful grin that cropped up on her features. In one swift motion, Tikki grabbed Plagg by the tail and pulled him with her towards the door.

“Okay, okay, _ow,_ watch the feelers,” Plagg moaned.

She stopped right in front of the closed exit, let go of Plagg, and just _stared_ at him as she pointed to the door.

Plagg groaned. “Fine, fine, guess _I’m_ going along.” Then he looked back to a spot off to the side of Marinette, and it took her a moment to realize that he was looking over to Chat. With a grin that could possibly have been misconstrued as reassuring, the kwami said, “You’ll be alright here, we won't take long.”

“I know,” he said (and whether that was a response to the first part or the second, Marinette couldn't tell), adding in, “Stay safe.”

“Yeah, yeah,” muttered the cat super god as he phased through the door.

Tikki took a moment to wave Marinette off before she too phased out of the room.

Which left the two depowered superheroes to just sit around, wrists tied against a pipe, back to back against each other, and _wait._

“Hey, Ladybug?”

“Yeah?"

“How’d we get _roped_ up into this situation?” 

"CHAT."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know this is more LadyNoir than Plakki (correction: more just marinette freaking the fuck out than anything really), but this was like a prologue, I guess. Starting next chapter, LadyNoir is gonna take a backseat to let the /real/ OTP shine through.
> 
> OKAY SO, I have no idea where I'm even going with this fic besides like, a vague idea, and as such there's really no overarching plot and is mostly just a bunch o' humor, and it probably won't be all that long a fic (I'm giving it five chapters, maybe six). I just want my daily dosage of Plakki, and if I have to write it, /fine/.
> 
> also, this will probably never come up in the story proper, but the akumatized person that makes these unbreakable knots is a sailor called Knotical. y'know, like nautical and all and it like sounds the same and... yeah, I'm just gonna see myself out.


	2. Obviously Let's Dismantle the Economy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Tikki and Plagg begin their quest to find food... aND LOVE?!? 
> 
> Nah, just food. But the real love is the ancient super god interactions we've made along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe the feedback I got from this, omg my god. I mean, I know it's probably about the average amount of feedback a fic gets on this fandom but it's still like really cool?? I'm so so happy you guys are liking this, it really means a lot to know that people are enjoying this! C:
> 
> Anywaaay, on with the show!

In all fairness, Plagg was lying when he had said that he could sense Tikki’s presence within the first week.

In reality, it had actually been the first _day._

Really, it shouldn't have been a surprise for him when the Chat Noirs and Ladybugs before them were often times just as unknowingly close to each other, but it still didn't stop Plagg from thinking how infuriating and _hilarious_ it was for them to be so conveniently in the dark about each other when they could just use a _little bit_ of common sense to figure it out.

“Plagg, you _know_ it’s the power of luck at work,” Tikki told him as he voiced his concerns (re: complained (but voicing concerns sounded much more favorable)).

“Duh,” Plagg scoffed with a grin. “Doesn't mean I can't find it funny that my kitten is _so oblivious._ In fact, he’s _so_ oblivious that he’s probably going to need his _very supportive kwami_ in his time of distress, I think I should go back and let you get the food.”

Tikki just stared. Then the corners of her mouth cracked into a grin. “Very supportive kwami?”

“Yeah, even I didn't believe it when I said it, but I still wanna go back for him.”

When she just _kept staring,_ Plagg knew that she won this one. Especially when she just kept up that grin, like jeez. “Plagg, I know you want to be there for Adrien and keep him safe, but it’ll be _fine._ Besides…” She gave a pout and a fluttering of her eyelids, and Plagg was willing to bet she took inspiration from that clingy rich girl in Adrien’s class. “Who’s going to protect little old _me?_ ”

It was Plagg’s turn to give her a flat look. “Tikki, we’re immortal supergods,” he said, conveniently leaving out a response to that first part.

While he may not be a very supportive kwami, he was at the very least _kind of_ supportive, and he really did care for the kittens that he chose. Adrien was no exception. That boy must’ve been really stressing out over the fact that his crimefighting partner’s real identity was literally under his nose (or, well, like right behind him), not to mention how said crimefighting partner had just freaked the fuck out before.

So Plagg felt that Adrien needed him way more than Tikki needed him. Even if Plagg _wanted_ Tikki _so much…_

_..._ Adrien would be fine, right? What was the harm in going to do an errand, anyway? Might as well, considering that they were already out and about. Plagg trusted for Ladybug’s presence to keep the boy at peace of mind.

So with a dramatic and totally unnecessary sigh of defeat, he conceded, “Alright, fiiine, guess I _am_ going with you. All to get food so we can help our chosens, whom, might I add, are very _very_ oblivious to each other’s identities.”

Tikki grinned, and it was obvious that she was very pleased with herself to have won that conversation. She glanced down the school’s hallway, completely devoid of any humans, before replying to her partner. “Marinette can be very one track minded when it comes to preserving her identity.”

“And Adrien hopelessly wants to know!” he said, adding a fake swoon. His lips curled into a snarky smile. “It’s tragic, Tikki, _tragic.”_

Tikki giggled. “I hope you aren't about to start quoting Shakespeare again, you _always_ do that whenever you start talking about tragedies.”

“What can I say? He _was_ a Chat Noir at one point, y’know,” he smirked.

“Around five hundred years ago,” she mumbled, a bit sobered up from her gigglefest. The smile, Plagg was eager to note, was still plastered on her face. “Was it really so recent?”

The question became rhetorical when she stopped at the end of the hall, Plagg almost bumping into her. She floated near the lockers, and it took him a moment to realize she was heading for one specific locker.

When he went over next to her, Tikki was already filling him in on her plan. “This is Marinette’s locker.”

“Whaaat, nooo, really?” Hey, he tried his best to sound surprised.

She just grinned. “If her bag is in here, she’ll have cookies inside! So that’ll be one kwami's issue solved.”

“And another very hungry,” Plagg moaned, but Tikki had already phased through the locker and missed his glorious quip.

Ten seconds later, Tikki exited the locker, her face blank.

Plagg mimicked raising a brow (as he did not have eyebrows in the first place).

“ _She doesn't have any cookies_ ,” Tikki almost hissed, her voice so soft it was nearly mute. Much louder and much more vehement, she said, “Her bag’s _in_ there! Everything’s in there! Her phone, her twelve secret pictures of Adrien, everything but _cookies,_ and I keep _telling her_ that she needs to have some cookies in there so that when we’re in _this exact situation_ we won't have to go snatching some from some kitchen that just conveniently left some out!”

“So was that one issue solved?”

Tikki gave him a very angry pout, and he couldn't help it, he practically _exploded_ with laughter.

“Plagg!” she glared.

It took him a few tries before he was actually able to speak without the laughter getting in the way. “Sheesh, Tikki, calm down! Not the end of the world, y’know. How about _I_ go to Adrien’s bag and get myself some cheese from there? At least he _stocks up_ on the things I need.”

He elected to ignore Tikki’s face somehow becoming even redder with anger as he led her down to the locker room where Adrien’s bag resided, as the akuma had attacked during his fencing practice.

Unlike _her_ miraculous holder, Adrien always had some cheese tucked safely away for little old Plagg. The kwami knew for a fact that Adrien would always make sure of that.

* * *

THAT LITTLE _WEASEL._

Plagg phased out of his locker, looking miffed, _absolutely_ **_miffed_**. How-How _dare_ Adrien _not_ have cheese in his bag? He had literally _everything else_ ! His phone, his sheets of paper filled with nothing but cat puns, the twelve plushies of Ladybug that were just small enough for them all to take up the rest of the space, everything! But _no cheese_! _NO. CHEESE._

_How_ could Plagg even begin to live through this with the knowledge of his chosen’s nefarious betrayal?!

It didn't help in the slightest to see Tikki staring at him, arms crossed with one of the smuggest grins in the whole world.

Plagg refused to let himself seem beat. “So I think we both have a current simmering hatred for our chosens’ inability to stock up, and maybe _some things_ were said in the midst of it all, so I think it’s within our best interests to find some food outside of this school and let bygones be bygones. What do you say?”

“I say that you’re a real cheesehead,” said Tikki dryly, still smirking. “But I accept your proposal.”

“Good, good, I’m very glad we had this discussion,” Plagg nodded way too quickly to be seen as casual, but right now he didn't even care. He just wanted to leave this _incriminating_ locker room.

And so they did, floating out the still very empty hallways and towards the front door. Tikki stopped once again, and Plagg had to yet again make sure he didn't bump into her.

“You know, just a thought, but how about a little warning next time?”

If she did hear his complaints, then she didn't acknowledge it. Instead she stared at the door, a determined glint in her eyes as she glanced to Plagg. “Okay, we’re going to do this quick, and we’re going to do this unseen, you ready?”

Obviously not, but if he wanted cheese after that _sacrilege_ , he was gonna have to be. “Mmhmm.”

They phased through the door at the same time, and Tikki immediately bolted to a bush. While Plagg…

Plagg noticed something Tikki did not.

Definitely apparent when she poked her head out and hissed in a hushed whisper at him, “Plagg! What did I _just_ say?”

“Stay unseen.”

“And what are you doing?”

“Staying unseen.”

“That’s ri--wait, what?”

Plagg made a grandiose gesture at the streets of Paris. The… very _quiet_ streets of Paris. He could see Tikki taking it all in, first furrowing her brow in confusion before the realization dawned on her, her eyes widening.

Plagg had been able to stay unseen specifically because there was _nobody there to have seen Plagg._ Not a single person was out and about, everything looked to have been hastily evacuated, suggesting that people have _had_ been there beforehand. But right now, there wasn't a soul besides Tikki and Plagg.

Tikki just blinked, floating back up next to Plagg. “Huh. I didn't think the akuma would go through Paris _that_ quickly.”

“Or at least the school,” Plagg muttered, vaguely aware of none of the other students being around for their after school activities. “So, guess that makes getting food easier?”

Tikki nodded. “There’s a convenience store across the street, we can get food there.”

She started off, and Plagg took a moment to groan and say, “They don't sell the _good_ stuff though…!” before following her.

“Swiss cheese is good though, right?” she asked as Plagg was idly noting how there weren't even any _cars_ driving down the street, that was slightly unnerving. “It’s no Camembert, but it’ll do.”

“But that’s way too _tame.”_

Tikki giggled, reaching the convenience store’s door first. “You like anything that makes you and your Chat Noir smell stinky.”

“And you can bet I’ll make sure to get some _extra stinky_ for him being a dumb traitor,” he scoffed, starting to phase through the door.

...and paused when he saw Tikki stop dead in her tracks.

He pulled his arm out of the door, frowning. “What’s wrong?”

“...We don't have any money.” She said it so sober, so solemnly that it took a good moment for Plagg to realize that those string of words shouldn't have been solemn to begin with.

It made his snicker. “Pfft, what?”

“The humans take money as currency in exchange for goods,” Tikki said, her face pale. “And if we don't _have_ money to barter with, that’d be stealing!”

Now he was just confused. Plagg stared at her. “...Does it really matter?”

“YES!” she cried. “Plagg, the humans _rely_ on this system, we would be dismantling the very foundations of it if we stole from them, it’d probably lead to complete and utter destruction of their civilization!”

“Tikki. It’s _cheese_ and _cookies._ We wouldn’t be putting all of Paris in debt over it.”

“It’s happened before!” she insisted.

“So, what, are you saying we go out, rob a bank, and then use _that_ stolen money to buy our stuff from a cashier and outright _reveal_ our existence as ancient gods to some scrub?”

“STEALING IS _WRONG,_ PLAGG.”

Somehow she had elected to ignore the entire latter half of his statement.

Plagg groaned. “Then what’s do _you_ think we should do that’s not illegal.” _And not fun,_ he added mentally.

But Tikki just fixed him a determined yet vulnerable stare as she said the next six words perfectly clear.

 

“We’re going to get a job.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shakespeare was a Chat Noir confirmed. I don't know why. It's just funny to think about.
> 
> OH SNAP WOW LOOKS LIKE THE KWAMIS ARE GETTING A JOB WHAT SORT OF SHENANIGANS COULD COME FROM THIS WACKY SCENARIO?? y'know aside from the obvious dismantling of the entire parisian economy.
> 
> So, I was /planning/ on adding some LadyNoir at the end of the chapter (and sort of do that every chapter, like first a lot of plakki and then some ladynoir bonding), but honestly, this was way too good an ending to pass up. So I'll probably just put the LadyNoir at the beginning of the next chapter.
> 
> Next time, the kwamis are going to get a new job. Somehow.


	3. Tikki's Fascination With The Job System Actually Serves As A Foil To Karl Marx's Manifesto On Communist Society, Probably

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time on KFSFWTWTT, there was a nine month hiatus.
> 
> But before last time, we had Tikki valiantly proclaim that the two of them should get jobs. And now we shall learn the thrilling continuation of that decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why is this recommended on TVTropes. like, I'm super flattered and all and it makes me so happy that you guys like this fic like thank you so much, but why is this on the fanficrecs this hasn't been updated in like nine months and only has two chapters.

“TIKKI THAT IS THE _WORST_ IDEA.”

Tikki had already started to phase through the convenience store’s door by the time Plagg had so _rudely_ bashed her idea. So she paused, half of her body still in the door itself, and poked her head fully out to Plagg. “What’s so wrong about getting a job?”

“Uh? Hello? We’re _kwamis_? No sane human would _hire us_?"

“Maybe there’ll be an _insane_ one inside?” she tried, not at all attempting to actually convince him and more so just trying to wrap up this conversation.

“The only thing insane here is _that plan_ ,” Plagg said dryly.

On some level, Tikki understood her partner’s reluctance of her admittedly farfetched plan. But right now, they _needed_ to do something, and Plagg’s constant bickering was definitely _not_ helping matters in the slightest.

So Tikki decided to take matters into her own hands and just went in the store anyway, convinced that Plagg would follow along regardless.

Apparently she was right. Plagg entered seconds after her, looking even more miffed. “Um, okay, first off, _rude._ Second, what _now_?”

What now indeed? Tikki scanned the interior of the store, seeing a couple of aisles full of generic looking snacks, with only one cash register stationed at the back. Which was… unattended to?

That seemed to be a lucky break, at least. She didn't really think about a scenario where someone would actually _see_ them phase through a door and possibly freak out and question their fragile human sanity.

Tikki started formulating a plan, determined to do this the _right_ way. Since there was no one here to give them an official job, maybe she and Plagg could mop up the floors and grab a bit of food as payment. That’d be a fair trade, right? Food for a service. But where would they find a mop, and how would they even _hold_ it to clean in the first place? She doubted there’d be a kwami-sized mop just lying around.

“Hey Plagg, do you see any--Plagg?” She turned, shocked to notice that Plagg was no longer next to her. “Plagg? Where’d you…”

And then she spotted him.

And she _groaned._

Plagg hovered right in front of the glass that separated him from the refrigerated items, almost trance-like. When Tikki floated closer, she noticed two things.

One was that Plagg’s face was _literally_ smushed onto the chilled glass.

The other was that his smushed face was staring wide eyed at the selection of _cheeses._

“Plagg, no,” she said at the exact same time Plagg opened his mouth to speak, and whatever words he was planning on saying dissolved into a low, begging, _meowing_ moan.

“Aw, c’mooon…”

“Respect the system.”

“But-But _cheese!_ ”

“I see that. The answer’s still no.”

“Please?”

“No, Plagg.”

“Please?”

“No!”

“Okay, but consider: yes.”

Sick of this bit, Tikki put herself in between the drooling kwami and the drooled-on glass, pushing him away as he tried to go back to it like a magnet.

“But there’s _camembert_ in there, Tikki!” he shrieked desperately. “CAMEMBERT IS MY _LIFE."_

“A CONVENIENCE STORE WOULD NOT HAVE SOMETHING AS EXPENSIVE AS CAMEMBERT, PLAGG.”

He tried desperately to squirm himself out of Tikki’s hold, but that just made her grasp even tighter.

“YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!”

“I’M NOT LETTING YOU INHALE ALL THAT CHEESE JUST TO FIND OUT.”

“LET ME _LIVE,_ TIKKI _._ ”

“...Hello?”

Both kwamis completely froze mid-struggle, not even daring to look away from each other. Maybe if Tikki just didn't do anything, it would be as if that scruffy voice that came from _somewhere_ hadn't even existed and she wouldn't have to _meow_ just to--

“Buzz buzz?” Plagg tried, still looking at Tikki.

Somehow that totally un-catlike response of his broke Tikki out of her stupor, not even taking the time to glare at him (because seriously, ladybugs did not _buzz_ ) when she snapped her head to the direction of the voice.

...And saw nothing?

But that didn't make any sense, did it? Tikki was _sure_ she had heard someone, and she was sure that Plagg had heard it too. So why--

“Hello? Is anyone out there?” came the voice again, this time louder, but still _muffled,_ sounding as if it were from one room over. Were there even any rooms over, though?  

Tikki spotted a door behind the cash register, deciding that the voice had come from behind there. Cautiously, she floated on over next to it and deepened her voice, even though that didn’t work at all because her voice was just _so high man._ “Um, yes, that’s us, two regular human beings here to help you!”

“...What?”

Plagg lazily floated next to Tikki, giving her _The Look™_.

Tikki shot him _The Other Look In Response To The Patented Look™._

“Really?” Plagg said. “ _Really?_ ”

She shoved him lightly. “Oh hush, you.” To the door, she spoke in her normal voice. “Are you okay in there?”

The voice was silent for a moment, probably because they just heard a screaming fest over cheese. “Um, I guess? I’m sort of tied up at the moment.”

“Literally?”

“Literally.”

Plagg snorted. “Guess that knot akuma got to him.”

Tikki nodded in agreement. “It would certainly explain why the streets are so barren, if Knotical was trapping all the citizens in their respective buildings.”

“Can you maybe help me out here?” asked the voice.

“Um… The door’s locked.” They definitely couldn’t just go in as the tiny quantic gods they were, Tikki knew that much. Maybe this bluff could give them a pass to… leave? They needed cheeses and cookies, which meant obviously getting a job, but could they even _do_ that here? I mean people don’t just give out jobs willy nilly, she probably should have factored that sort of thing in, maybe they should just find somewhere else where someone didn’t need any sort of life saving and--

“The keys are on the counter,” said the voice. “Please, if you could help me out of here, I’d totally owe you one.”

Plagg nudged Tikki on the side. “See, we don’t need a job. We just unlock the door, cut him loose, and boom! All the cheese we could ask for.” He had this grin on his face, one that was obviously just to push his point forward and try to convince her more.

She was silent for a moment.

“...”

“...”

“But a job is more ethical.”

“Tikki, no.”

“PLAGG THINK ABOUT THE ECONOMY.”

“OH MY _GOD, TIKKI.”_

The voice spoke again, this time _super_ hesitant to interrupt their totally comedic bit. “...So, um…”

Groaning like a child who only got eighteen pounds of camembert on Christmas morning, Plagg picked up the keys on the counter and unlocked the door unceremoniously. He didn’t open it, however. He just dropped the keys and headed for the exit. “Human’s free, whatever, I’m going to your bug’s bakery.”

“P-Plagg!” Tikki spluttered, eyes darting in between the unlocked door that still had the human tied up behind it and the front door that Plagg was heading for. After shifting her gaze between those two options, Tikki groaned and followed after Plagg.

Once they had phased outside, Plagg just gave her this _smirk_ that really made her want to have Marinette Lucky Charm up a quantic knife. “You’re insufferable, you know that?”

“Yeah, but I’m _your_ insufferable,” he said, not even bothering with a noun.

She stared at his mischievous expression for a few seconds before snickering with the giggles. “Pfft, okay, okay, let’s just get going, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” he snorted as he followed her, the grin on his face much more relaxed. “So, your bug’s bakery?”

“Mmhmm!”

“Wonder why we didn’t thinking about hitting up there in the first place?”

“Oh, we’re not going to steal from Marinette’s family,” Tikki said firmly, as if that was common knowledge.

She could feel him falter beside her. “Wait, what?” He flew a bit faster, so that way he was floating right alongside her. “Then what ARE we gonna do then?”

“Something!” Tikki chirped confidently.

“...Please tell me we’re not going to ask them for a job.”

“Don’t worry, Plagg,” Tikki giggled, a twinkle in her eyes. “I have a plan.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

She just kept on going, electing not to answer Plagg’s concerns.

“Tikki. Tikki, that’s not an answer. Tell me we’re not actually going to beg them for a job Tikki.”

Tikki smiled.

  
“TIKKI.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha ha kwamis are so dumb they think they can just cut open a man without him seeing that they're absolute gods of hyper death man isn't that totes cray cray yo
> 
> So yeah, this chapter was like nine months too late, all because I just couldn't. give them. a job. Like seriously nothing made sense for this context, even with all the implausible things I've purposely pulled in this fic pushing the boundaries. There's suspension of disbelief, and then there's really freakin' ridiculous. So I'm really sorry about that. l'll do my best to make sure the wait for future chapters isn't so frickin' long.
> 
> For all of you who commented saying that Marinette's bakery should've been their first idea, this chapter and next chapter is for you.
> 
> but seriously man kwamis are so dumb they don't think of the obvious man wouldn't it be crazy if the author of this fic was a kwami that'd explain so much ha haaaaaa


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